It would be a nice side effect to become a better typer. I don't do a lot of personal writing, and my coding isn't so freeflow. So what else happened... I got a coffee. Still not sure if this stuff works for me. I guess the thing is, sometimes it helps and sometimes it makes things worse, like cigarettes. The reason I do something that makes me feel bad is that sometimes it makes me feel good. It's a roulette to play with your subconscious, and if you're deluded you may feel like you're getting a special clarity hidden from your repressed sober mind. In my experience, going on 6 years of cyclical, variety drug use, drugs do nothing but cross the wires.
My roommate is remarkably insecure. He called his parents and girlfriend today to make fun of a personal statement essay he was editing for some high schooler (about having no friends, feeling touched by someone reaching out). Fixated on the words "understanding" and "catharsis" as melodramatic ("It sounds like he's Buddha!"). As I'm living with this guy almost all day most of the week, I can't help but process his life relative to mine. As I'm filled with self hate, I can't help but feel judgemental toward others. It is what it is for now. This guy scrolls tiktok and watches sports every single day. From morning to night. The sports games are always blaring out loud. When I'm feeling pessimistic, this is like existential horror to me. And he talks about feeling depressed, "I probably need a good night of sleep." This guy lives in an endless cycle of consumption and obligation. The only two way street is social interaction, and this is still in the context of consumption (frat hangouts with a 12pack of fireballs).
The way this manifests is that complaining and criticizing becomes natural. If you're not being constructive, it becomes a hard subject to default to. He watches videos of people complaining about every little minutia of some TV show, Critikal complaining about some morally bankrupt whatever flavor of the week. He initially tries to bond with me by complaining about our suitemate showering too long. Complaining about the temperature. Complaining about his professor. Or announces more consumptions, a new Xbox.
There's a summary of my thoughts so far on the person I've had to live with this semester. My last roommate made me feel bad because he seemed so proactive, unburdened by the perceptions of others, and successful in computer science. You'd think living with someone you don't admire might be better for the ego, but it's more soul draining.